no. 0100

1 month and 5 days.

so of the many things i've been in life,
from the
carefree lame-o,
to the
emo lame-o.

from the
happy school girl,
that everyone liked,
to the
bitchy school girl,
that not everybody liked.

from the
confident friend,
to the
self conscious stranger.

from the
psycho
to the
therapist.

you know what,
i'm just 14.
i have to start a life,
that doesn't end up
with me solving
other people's problems,
but me solving my own.

not being tired
all the time,
and concluding
that i got tired,
for all the wrong reasons,
having no accomplishments.

so how was the trip you may ask.
i found out more than i wanted to.
i realised more than i wished i had.
i have to live my life now,
not as much as paradise there,
but i got pulled out of it again.
i know everything's the same,
or i feel it should be,
but i feel,
i don't know,
weird,
different,
changed.

i say things,
i do things
that i don't understand.
i feel like i'm drunk again,

why am i saying these things?
why am i feeling these things?

i used to be the person who would
say fine
and ok
to anything you wanted me to do.
anything anyone wanted me to do.
i was willing to do so,
and i was happy,

selfless.

now,
i don't,
i wouldn't want to walk
a bit more,
because that meant
I had to walk home alone,
and that you would
have the convenience.
what's become of me?
why am i acting this way?
i don't want to change.
yet,
i know it can't be avoided,
and also,
i want to stay the same,

what will become of me?
will i be the person
who people despise?
or the person
that will be loved?
or like her?
desperate?
attention-seeking?
aloof?
irritating?
self-pitied?
or confident?
happy?
well-loved?

will i be alone?